Everything You Already Knew: Chapter 1
Chapter 1: Starting to Remember
If change was easy it wouldn't be so hard. It is the path through the garden that no one takes. It is overgrown with weeds and you only see the start of it where take a few steps in every once in a while. You don’t know why you do it. Or why you take them in that particular spot. The perimeter of the garden is wide as the eye can see and it all the looks same from the outside. There is no map you followed here. You were just wondering one day when something pulled you there. People call it your interest or following you curiosity, but there was nothing there that looked any different than anywhere else. Everyone else you ask thinks it just looks like every place else. You can't really argue with them because you don't even know why you came there in the first place. You just know just know whenever you feel at peace you become reinvigorated when realize where you are. That you are back at the start of this path that leads into garden.
When taking those first few steps, you feel like you are going somewhere suppose to be. But those are just feelings and you don’t know where it goes. You don't know what might lie beneath weeds of this path you and no else has ever walked. What would be the purpose of walking into a garden when you don’t even know where it goes? Is there anything out there that’s worth the risk of facing what may be slithering beneath the weeds? You have always answered no…until this time. This time you can’t stop ingnoring what feels so true. You need to go into the garden those first few steps and then keep going. You are still not sure what is in there, but you do know it is different place than where you are now. You have been fooled into thinking that everthing will be just fine if you stay here for the very last time. You have taken that path back to where you came and nothing ever gets better. You know it feels right and makes sense to you. Everyone told you to follow passion. They just didn't tell you that it wouldn't easy to take those first steps. They told you to believe in yourself, but when ever start taking those steps they only cast doubts. What is it? Now you know. You all are confused. They were told to follow their owns paths and forgot that they never actually did. No one has been in there for long time. To inside. They forget that all that is good once came from in there.
For the first time, you know it will never get better for you or anyone if you don't see what is out there. In there. It doesn’t matter that you still don’t know what may slither beneath the weeds. You'll make the decision know could. To deal with whatever is in there because you know nothing get betters here. With that certainty you know It is all your fault if you get hurt in this place you are now. The thought of self-betrayal terrifies you. You don't have the blissful ignorance anymore. You already saw too much of what is inside. At least in the garden you are truthfully ignorant what lies ahead. You deal with it when happen. You don't want to keep dealing with the same dangers you know everyone faces here. It has been so rare. So infrequent. There are stories, but those people have come and gone. No one has gone all the way inside the garden since. Not you or anyone could possibly know what good or bad may be out there. You do know there is bad here. You know at least there is hope out there. While the start is scary, the stories of who have gone all the way let you know that hope lies inside the garden.
As you look back towards home, you feel different this time. You still start to walk home, but for a different reason. This time you understand what it was that was kept puling you towards the garden. You know why you could never live life away from it again. It was meaning. You can't describe why it seems so meaningful. There is a connection to something., but you don't know what is inside that makes you feel that way. You have to know.
This time on your way back home you are not running from the fears in the garden. You are walking back to deal with the fears in your home. There is nothing of meaning back home. Fears without a reason. When things get tough, you turn away from the fears and surround yourself with familiar comforts. The familiarity is not meaningful. Turning back to it can no longer be an option. For now you know what is actually there. While the weeds have over grown that which lurks in the garden, that doesn’t not mean they are not at home. The fears were always in your home. You always got a sense of what they were there when you were out at the garden. Looking back from where it felt right you could see the wrong. A feeling told you this, but you always ran back home before trying to understand. You didn’t want to understand. It is the most painful thought you could imagine. You have always focused on familiar comforts, hid from what caused pain, and ignored what you felt in the garden. It wasn’t causing pain out of hate. It was giving love by showing regret. By letting you feel it now so you don’t have to experience it later.
On this walk back, you feel stronger than ever. You are still scared, but this time you’re not letting it stop you. You know that there are problems at home and likely out there in the garden. They are everywhere and that is okay. Believing you don’t have them is not okay. You can’t find an answer to problems you don’t know exist. The garden showed you. By the curiosity of seeing what is out there it forced you to see those problems you fear. But you haven’t actually seen what’s out there yet. It showed the problems back home and now it’s time resolve. For you know you can’t trust yourself. Time and time again you have made this exact same walk. Saying the exact same things. Saying it was the last time you would make this walk only to once again not have the courage to take that last step. The one that finally ended it. You’re ending it this time. All you have to do is move a finger. Now you understand you are not ready for what is out there if you can’t do it now. You remind yourself of the love you feel when you take those steps into the garden. How right everything feels, despite not knowing why. You remind yourself of the truth that the fear can’t go anywhere and that you can go everywhere. That’s how you got here in position to make this last step. On you recognizance, you went out to garden, walked backed, grabbed a match, and poured the gasoline. You poured it on your home and stood over it with the lit match in your hand. But... this is the moment where have always stopped. You cannot even remember how many times you’ve been here in this same place with the same problem. You know nothing gets better here. It only stays the same or gets worse. You think of the regret you would feel on your deathbed and it is unbearable. It does not make sense to be pushed and pulled by same fears when you are here on this earth for such a short time. You know you need to follow that path into garden and yet you never move your finger. The last thing you need to do is let the match fall. To fully commit to what feels right in out there by eliminating what is here. You need to take the step. You need to end all this now or it may never happen. It may never better...
To be continued